I'LL SEIZE THE DAY TOMORROW
I'll Seize the Day Tomorrow is the story of Jonathan Goldstein's journey to find some great truth on his road to forty.
In a series of wonderfully funny stories, the host of CBC's WireTap recounts the highs and lows of his last year in his thirties. Throughout the year, Goldstein asks weighty questions that would stump a person less seasoned. For example: What is it about a McRib that drives people crazy? Can we replace extending an olive leaf with extending an olive jar? How much wisdom can we glean from episodes of Welcome Back, Kotter? His friends and family, many of them known through their appearances on WireTap, weigh in with hilarious results as Goldstein eats, sleeps, and watches bad TV all the way to his date with destiny.
Before stepping out, I accidentally put my shoes on the wrong feet. It’s something I haven’t done since I was a kid. The sensation of my left shoe on my right foot makes me feel about six years old. It’s like playing with ants, like sitting in a sunbeam on the carpet. Though we pretend otherwise, we’re all our ages at once. I decide to start putting my shoes on the wrong feet whenever I need to remind myself of that. To this end, I will also take up skipping, though only late at night when no one is around. This, too, will make me feel young. But also insane.
It’s close to midnight and tomorrow’s my thirty-ninth birthday.
I wish you could leap from thirty-eight straight to forty. More dignity to it than hanging on to the last dregs of your thirties.
Forty was the age at which I thought I’d have a house full of oak shelves spilling over with hardcover books. Cabinets loaded with china. Carpets brought home from exotic trips abroad.
“Where’d these come from?” they’d ask.
“Abroad,” I’d say.
The age at which I’d have a piano substantial enough to cripple the back of each member of the moving team that finally gets it into the upstairs parlour.
“Do you play?” they’d ask.
“I always wished I could,” I always wished I could say.
Forty was supposed to be the age at which I’d have a gigantic flat-screen TV, one that sinks into the wall like a corrugated iron anchor. A wife. Kids. Peace, too. The kind that rises like mist from a settled life, the life of a man who’s figured out the cologne that suits him and the channels he wants programmed into his car radio.
With all that in order, I’d be ready to do one of those Russian leg-kicking dances straight towards...
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Jonathan Goldstein’s writing has appeared in The Walrus, The New York Times, GQ, and in the National Post. He is a frequent contributor to PRI’s This American Life and The New York Times Magazine , and he is the author of the novels Ladies and Gentlemen, The Bible! and Lenny Bruce Is Dead.