“Don’t read my diary when Im gone
OK, Im going to work now. When you wake up this morning, please read my diary. Look through my things, and figure me out.”
From the late 1980s until his death in 1994, Kurt Cobain kept a record of his innermost thoughts about his life and career in a series of dime-store notebooks. Brimming with lyrics, drawings, writings, lists of favorite songs, production notes,and letters to fellow musicians, friends and family members, more than twenty of these notebooks survived the tumultuous events of Cobain’s life. Safeguarded since his death, they have not been seen by the public until now. The most remarkable excerpts from these notebooks have been gathered together in Kurt Cobain’s Journals. Presented in full-color facsimile format, they reveal Cobain’s uncensored views about fame, Nirvana, his public image and his place in music history. They include new disclosures about his health problems and drug use, and blunt assessments of the artists he respected and of those in the media he despised. Cobain shares his deepest and most private thoughts about his sex life and his politics, his unabashed love for his wife and daughter, his bitter critiques of the music business and right-wing politics, and his doubts about his own creativity and ambition. Together, these journal entries create an extraordinary portrayal of the personal and professional evolution of the most compelling musician of his time, and of a distinctive era in American popular culture.
Beginning with Nirvana’s earliest days, Cobain’s Journals show a young man of extraordinary drive and focus, who meticulously planned every aspect of his career, from live performances to recording sessions to CD covers to videos. In a letter firing the band’s second drummer, Cobain writes: “A band needs to practice, in our opinion, at least 5 times a week if the band ever expects to accomplish anything” (p. 15). As the band begins to establish itself in Seattle, Cobain’s tone becomes more confident: “Its now just a matter of time for labels to hunt us down” (p. 31).
Yet Cobain’s relentless questioning of his talent, his character, his generation and his work is also in evidence from the first pages: “Lately Ive found myself becoming lazy. I hardly write any stories and I dont work on songs quite as intently as in the past” (p. 31). And: “I Like sincerity. I Lack sincerity. these are not opinions. these are not words of wisdom. this is a disclaimer. a disclaimer for my lack of education, for my loss of inspiration, for my unnerving quest for affection and my perfunctory shamefullness towards many who are of my relative age. It’s not even a poem. Its Just A Big Pile of Shit like Me” (p. 99). Cobain’s self-doubt, which fuels both his creativity and his anxiety, only intensifies as the Journals progress.
Cobain’s musical influences and judgments are a constant thread in the Journals. In an early promotional piece, he writes: “NIRVANA sounds like mid-tempo-Black Sabbath playing the Knack, Black Flag, the Stooges with a pinch of Bay City Rollers. Their personal musical influences include: H.R. Puffnstuff, Speed Racer, DIVORCES, drugs, sound effects records, the beatles, rednecks, assorted hard rock, old punk rock, Leadbelly, Slayer and of course the Stooges” (p. 35). Later he writes: “there are a lot of bands who claim to be alternative and theyre nothing but stripped down, ex Sunset Strip hair farming bands of a few years ago I would love to be erased from our association with Pearl Jam or the Nymphs and other first time offenders” (p. 176).
Cobain writes extensively about his conflicted attitudes toward fame and success, and the distortions of his image they produced: “I kind of feel like a dork writing about myself like this as if I were an American pop-rock Icon-demi God, or A self-confessed product of corporate-packaged-rebellion, but Ive heard so many insanely exaggerated stories or reports from my friends and Ive read so many pathetic second rate, freudian evaluations from interviews from my childhood up until the present state of my personality and how Im a notoriously fucked up heroine addict, alcoholic, selfdestructive, yet overtly sensitive frail, fragile, soft spoken, narcoleptic, neurotic, little pissant who at any minute is going to O.D. Jump off a roof wig out. Blow my head off or All 3 At once Oh Geez GAWD I cant handle the success! the success!” (p. 181).
Candid about his sexuality, Cobain describes his first sexual experience, with a high school classmate that some regarded as developmentally disabled, and the ridicule he came under because of it. (p. 27) He tells how he gave up sex completely for a while at age 23 and “haven’t masturbated in months because I’ve lost my imagination” (p. 128). He also denies rumors that he was gay, although he introduced gay themes into some of his writings and was adamantly in favor of gay rights: “I Am Not Gay, Although I wish I were, just to piss off homophobes” (p. 182).
Cobain’s drug use generated an enormous amount of media attention and speculation both before and after his death. He writes frankly and in detail about his use of both marijuana and heroin, providing a particularly powerful and insightful account of how he became addicted to heroin (pp. 277-278). Perhaps surprisingly to some readers, he condemns drug use by himself and others in strong terms. But he contradicts the belief held by many that he became a hopeless addict who was utterly controlled by drugs, or that drugs, combined with an inability to handle fame and success, led to his suicide. In fact, what emerges as the most distressing factor in Cobain’s final years was a mysterious stomach ailment that caused him tremendous pain. Cobain describes how he visited more than a dozen doctors, was hospitalized on several occasions, and underwent numerous medical treatments in an unsuccessful effort to diagnose and treat this condition (pp. 182-183).
Cobain’s contempt for the corporate aspect of the music business, and for music journalism, comes through loudly and often: “I mean, were playing the corporate game and were playing as best as we can suddenly we found ourselves having to actually play instead of using the corporations great distribution while staying in our little world because we sold 10 times more the amount of records we had expected to sell. It’s just a shock to be doing interviews with magazines that I don’t read” (p. 176). And: “Rock bands are at the mercy of the journalist and in my opinion there isnt one I can think of who deserves to own a pen” (p. 190). Likewise, his disdain for right-wing Republican politics—along with sexism, racism, and homophobia—is noisy and angry: “Im going to fucking Destroy your macho, sadistic, sick, right wing, religiously abusive opinions on how we as a whole should operate according to your conditions. before I die many will die with me and they will deserve it. See you in Hell” (p. 111).
Cobain’s reverence toward his wife and daughter is revealed more tenderly and fully than ever before: “Courtney, when I say I love you I am not ashamed, nor will anyone ever come close to intimidating persuading, etc me into thinking otherwise. I wear you on my sleeve” (p. 237). “frances is a sprouting cherubic joy and has helped in more ways than she’ll ever know by helping us become more relaxed and less concerned about the attempts by the right wing conspirators and terrorists to cut off our rightful supply of fame fortune and the american way” (p. 268).
The Journals offer an unprecedented portrait of Kurt Cobain as he was during the most important period of his life, day to day and year to year, in his own vibrant words and drawings. Although all the facets of his unique personality are on brilliant display, the reader’s overriding impression is of Cobain’s passion—for his life, his music, and the people he loved: “a built in, totally spiritual, unexplainable, New Age, fucking, cosmic energy bursting love for passion” (p. 174).
Excerpts from Journals by Kurt Cobain
· If You Read You’ll Judge (book casing, front)
· I feel there is a universal sense amongst our generation that everything has been said and done. True. But who cares it could still be fun to pretend. (p. 18)
· NIRVANA is from Olympia WA, 60 miles from Seattle. NIRVANAS Guitar/vocalist (Kurt Kobain) And Bass-(Chris Novoselic) lived in Aberdeen 150 miles from Seattle. Aberdeens population consists of Highly bigoted Redneck - snoose chewing - deer shooting, faggot killing - logger types who “Ain’t to partial to weirdo New Wavers.” (Chad) drums is from an island of Rich Kid - L.S.D. Abusers.
· my lyrics are a big pile of contradictions. theyre split down the middle between very sincere opinions and feelings that I have and sarcastic and hopefully - humorous rebuttles toward cliche-bohemian ideals that have been exhausted for years. (p. 44)
· NIRVANA CANT Decide whether they want to be Punk or R.E.M. Indecision can often at times kill a band and NIRVANA are suicidal. (p. 51)
· WORDS suck. I mean, every thing has been said. I cant remember the last real interesting conversation ive had in a long time. WORDS arent as important as the energy derived from music, especially live. (p. 59)
· I am threatened by ridicule
· I am overly conscience of the sincerity in my voice
· I like to have sex with people
· I love my parents yet I disagree with merely everything they stand for.
· I understand and appreciate the value of religion for others.
· My emotions are affected by music.
o punk rock means freedom
· I use bits and pieces of others personalities to form my own. (p. 95)
· “One of the main problems I have is that I feel like im being evaluated 24 hrs a day, Being in a band is hard work and the acclaim itself just isnt worth it unless you still like playing And I do god how I do love playing live, its the most primal form of energy release you can share with other people besides having sex or taking drugs. (p. 107)
· Rock and Roll: 30 years = Exhauted! AH the good old days! The NOW generation: unaware recession, Technology finally caught up with us. Hip hop/RAP?=for the time being. yes good at least original; exhausted in 3 years. women? Yes. oppressed from chance since beginning. probably some ideas left in an unsaturated vagina. Record store chains and Radio play it safe, target audience, what sells, were completely at their mercy…it used to be the other way around.
Programmers & Djs: get into Real estate! (p. 129)
· “Punk is musical freedom. It’s saying, doing and playing what you want. Nirvana means feedom from pain and suffering in the external world and thats close to my definition of punk rock,” exclaims guitarist Kurt Kobain. (p. 156)
· Yeah I know I am a confused, uneducated, walking cliche but I don’t need to be inspired any longer, just supported. (p. 169)
· There is a small percentage of the population who were BORN with the ability to detect injustice. they have Tendencies to question injustice and to look for answers in ways that would be considered abnormal (by the oppressor’s standards). They have Tendencies and talents in the sense that they know from an early age that they have the gift to challenge what is expected for their future. (p. 173)
· This is not to be taken seriously.
This is not to be read as opinions.
This is to be read as poetry.
· Its obvious that I am on the educated level of about 10th grade in High school. Its obvious that these words were not thought out or even re-read. this writing style is what I like to call thru the perspective of a 10th grader, her/his attempt at showing that no matter what level of intelligence one is on, we all question love and lack of love and fear of love. (p. 175)
· I wish there was someone I could ask for advice. someone who wouldn’t make me feel like a creep for spilling my guts and trying to explain all the insecurities that have plagued me for oh, about 25 years now. I wish someone could explain to me why exactly I have no desire to learn anymore why I used to have so much energy and the need to search for miles and weeks for anything new and different. (p. 189)
· Sometimes I wonder if I could very well be the luckiest boy in the world. (p. 192)
· Id be better off if I kept my mouth shut. (p. 194)
· Seven months ago I chose to put myself in a position which requires the highest form of responsibility a person can have. A responsibility that should not be dictated. . . . Everytime I see a television show that has dying children or seeing a testimonial by a parent who recently lost their child I cant help but cry. The thought of losing my baby haunts me every day. . . . I will fight to my death to keep the right to provide for my child. (p. 213)
· Dumb
All that pot. all that supposedly unaddictive, harmless, safe reefer that damaged my nerves and ruined my memory and made me feel like wanting to blow up the prom. and the patience to play guitar for 5 hours every day after school. and to sleep during the day when I should have paid a bit more attention to my studies. (p. 223)
· Serve the servants
Oh lord the guilt of success. during the past two years I have slowly come to the conclusion that I do not want to die. . . . Is it egotistical to talk about myself like this?
I guess this song is for my father who is incapable of communicating at a level of affection in which I have always expected (pp. 225-226)
· NIRVANA will put out a couple of more brilliant albums on their own terms and then become frustrated with being so close to general public acceptance and so financially in debt, that they will eventually result in releasing spineless dance music like Gang of four. (p. 263)
· I made about 5 million dollars last year. . . . Ill be able to sell my untalented, very un-genious ass for years based on my cult status. (p. 267)
· I remember someone saying if you try heroine once you’ll become hooked. Of course I laughed and scoffed at the idea but I now believe this to be very true. (p. 278)
· REWARD IF FOUND
K COBAIN (book casing, back)
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